Help! I am at my wit's end! Every morning begins happily and ends horribly when I drop my soon-to-be 4-year old off at daycare.
The tears, the death grip on my leg and the wailing that her teacher assures me stops 2 minutes after I walk out the door. I've gone through every scenario... maybe it's not the right daycare... or maybe there's a kid picking on her in class... maybe it's something about the teacher.
Well, I've come to realize it's not just daycare but anywhere that involves me saying goodbye, walking out the door and leaving her behind, even on play dates at her best friend's house. And I'm pretty sure she's been this way since birth. Try taking a shower with one leg outside of the tub because there's a toddler attached to it.
Good times!.... NOT!
We've talked about the proper way to say goodbye without tears. I send her off with a picture of our family in her backpack so that she can look at it when she misses us. And I've finally resorted to bribery. She's been begging to wear nail polish like her big sister. So we made a deal. No more tears at drop-off and you'll get pretty pink nails. Apply the death grip to my leg and the polish comes off! It worked... for a day. So what's your bright idea? What's a mother to do?
5 Comments
Talena Kettrell said:
I am a mother of four and a teacher. I can tell you from experience that the teacher is probably telling the truth when saying that the crying stops two minutes after you leave.
Children who do this believe that the crying is part of the routine and can really give a convincing performance. If you think about it, there are probably other routines that the child is also committed to like, they always have to have the edges cut off the bread or the blankets have to be tuck like so....
My proven remedy for this is to replace the routine with a more favorable one. You might try waving at the window to say good bye. Let me warn you that the child will want to hold on to the old routine and will give some resistance to the new way, but rest assured that the behavior will change and you will be able to leave without the thoughts of doom lingering in your head.
On another note, I'm wondering what it is about the childcare center that makes YOU feel uneasy since you did not have similar concerns when the behavior was applied to her best friend's house.
Carla Garwood said:
I agree with Ms. Kettrell. I'm a mother of three and two of them acted the same way as your daughter. I was told by family, friends, day care providers, teachers and even my husband that they quit within minutes. This is normal--even at her age. I now have a 17 month old grand-daughter who doesn't cry when her parents leave her w/me but, when they TAKE her from my home she screams for me or her uncle and applies the death grip on our legs, clothing, whatever she can grab to keep her parents from taking her. But...six months ago you couldn't pry her from her mother. Her favorite person or place to be changes from month to month. You need to not give in to her tantrums such as keeping your leg outside the shower for her. I hate to say it but, you will regret using bribery. She will soon expect something for everything she does. Don't give in--it will get better.
Carla Garwood said:
I agree with Ms. Kettrell. I'm a mother of three and two of them acted the same way as your daughter. I was told by family, friends, day care providers, teachers and even my husband that they quit within minutes. This is normal--even at her age. I now have a 17 month old grand-daughter who doesn't cry when her parents leave her w/me but, when they TAKE her from my home she screams for me or her uncle and applies the death grip on our legs, clothing, whatever she can grab to keep her parents from taking her. But...six months ago you couldn't pry her from her mother. Her favorite person or place to be changes from month to month. You need to not give in to her tantrums such as keeping your leg outside the shower for her. I hate to say it but, you will regret using bribery. She will soon expect something for everything she does. Don't give in--it will get better.
Toni said:
I remember telling my dsughter that it hurt my feelings when she did that and talked about the reasons that behavior like that would be appropriate (we have all watched the news and have some recollection of some reasons a child should yell, scream, and hold on tight to their parent). We established that none of the dreadful reasons exsisted for her and she actually laughed at some of the things I was able to think up. Then we were able to talk about some other ways she could tell me bye and have a nice day and that she would love and miss me. I didn't feel comfortable disregarding her feelings. I wanted her to put some actual words to what she was feeling. After our talk, when hints of the outbursts were on her surface, we went partially thru the list of crazy reasons- all negated by her- (sometimes we even laughed at them.. not often, but sometimes) only to have her say that she loved me and would miss me see me later. My first daughter never had the issue.
It felt a lot better to talk about it and for her to know how i feel as a result and for her to USE HER WORDS!!
Good luck! the deathgrip can hurt Mama
Juan Figuroa said:
Shocking. Your child is begging for her mommy, and you want advice for giving her an attachment disorder?
Consider this: Don't dump your toddler with strangers. Be her parent, love her, raise her yourself. You made her. Now parent her.
I am a mother of four and a teacher. I can tell you from experience that the teacher is probably telling the truth when saying that the crying stops two minutes after you leave.
Children who do this believe that the crying is part of the routine and can really give a convincing performance. If you think about it, there are probably other routines that the child is also committed to like, they always have to have the edges cut off the bread or the blankets have to be tuck like so....
My proven remedy for this is to replace the routine with a more favorable one. You might try waving at the window to say good bye. Let me warn you that the child will want to hold on to the old routine and will give some resistance to the new way, but rest assured that the behavior will change and you will be able to leave without the thoughts of doom lingering in your head.
On another note, I'm wondering what it is about the childcare center that makes YOU feel uneasy since you did not have similar concerns when the behavior was applied to her best friend's house.
I agree with Ms. Kettrell. I'm a mother of three and two of them acted the same way as your daughter. I was told by family, friends, day care providers, teachers and even my husband that they quit within minutes. This is normal--even at her age. I now have a 17 month old grand-daughter who doesn't cry when her parents leave her w/me but, when they TAKE her from my home she screams for me or her uncle and applies the death grip on our legs, clothing, whatever she can grab to keep her parents from taking her. But...six months ago you couldn't pry her from her mother. Her favorite person or place to be changes from month to month. You need to not give in to her tantrums such as keeping your leg outside the shower for her. I hate to say it but, you will regret using bribery. She will soon expect something for everything she does. Don't give in--it will get better.
I agree with Ms. Kettrell. I'm a mother of three and two of them acted the same way as your daughter. I was told by family, friends, day care providers, teachers and even my husband that they quit within minutes. This is normal--even at her age. I now have a 17 month old grand-daughter who doesn't cry when her parents leave her w/me but, when they TAKE her from my home she screams for me or her uncle and applies the death grip on our legs, clothing, whatever she can grab to keep her parents from taking her. But...six months ago you couldn't pry her from her mother. Her favorite person or place to be changes from month to month. You need to not give in to her tantrums such as keeping your leg outside the shower for her. I hate to say it but, you will regret using bribery. She will soon expect something for everything she does. Don't give in--it will get better.
I remember telling my dsughter that it hurt my feelings when she did that and talked about the reasons that behavior like that would be appropriate (we have all watched the news and have some recollection of some reasons a child should yell, scream, and hold on tight to their parent). We established that none of the dreadful reasons exsisted for her and she actually laughed at some of the things I was able to think up. Then we were able to talk about some other ways she could tell me bye and have a nice day and that she would love and miss me. I didn't feel comfortable disregarding her feelings. I wanted her to put some actual words to what she was feeling. After our talk, when hints of the outbursts were on her surface, we went partially thru the list of crazy reasons- all negated by her- (sometimes we even laughed at them.. not often, but sometimes) only to have her say that she loved me and would miss me see me later. My first daughter never had the issue.
It felt a lot better to talk about it and for her to know how i feel as a result and for her to USE HER WORDS!!
Good luck! the deathgrip can hurt Mama
Shocking. Your child is begging for her mommy, and you want advice for giving her an attachment disorder?
Consider this: Don't dump your toddler with strangers. Be her parent, love her, raise her yourself. You made her. Now parent her.
Sheesh.